If you want to build a lasting and meaningful relationship with your teens, then asking them how their day went as you pass through the kitchen just isn’t enough.
You need to invest in who they are. Take the time to talk to them about what’s important in their lives.
I’m not just talking to you. I’m talking to myself just as much.
Strong communication is the largest single factor in a positive relationship.
Change my mind.
And while we’re at it, let’s show up to the events that are important to them. Let’s value their opinion in decisions that directly affect them.
Instead of giving you a list of questions to ask your teen (because that would be filled with questions that my teens might care about but yours might think were dumb or irrelevant), let’s look at what not to say or do.
Strengthening Communication DON’TS
Don’t confront teens when they walk in the door
How do you feel when you get home after a long and hectic, often stressful, day?
I know I don’t want to be bombarded with 1000 questions, requests (ahem, sometimes they feel like demands), etc.
Writing this reminds me of when my kids were preschoolers and even early elementary school age. When I walked in, they’d rush me with all the things they needed me to sign, read, be excited about, etc., and it was just too much!
I don’t miss those days.
Eventually we worked out a system to that they could put things Mama needed to sign or do in a specific place and not to tell me when I walked in the door.
I hope they also knew that I wanted to see their faces, get those sweet hugs, and hear about their day. Just not in one huge uproar the minute I walked in!
Enough about the old days…
Today, be reminded that our teens feel much the same way. They’d like to see a smiling face from a loved one when they come through the door.
Even if they didn’t run the dishwasher last night and you’ve got to address it soon.
Even if they still haven’t cleaned their bathroom, as you told them to do before they left this morning.
Even if…
Does it have to be the minute they walk in the door?
Just food for thought.
Don’t make them have a face to face conversation with you all the time
You know, the kind where you sit down in the living room and talk about all of your goals for the next 5 years.
Don’t get me wrong.
There’s a place for that conversation.
But most conversations don’t require that level of intensity.
Many people in this world, including teenagers, talk more easily when they are doing something alongside someone else.
I wash. You dry. Talking happens.
15 minute walk around the block. Conversation ensues.
Showing each other funny videos on Instagram. Talk + laughter. Perfect!
The more conversations like these that you have with your teenager, the stronger your relationship will be in the future.
Bonus: Lean into their preferred communication style…whether it’s snapchat or insta DM’s…or whatever is the newest thing out there.
Take caution not to do this if it’s waaaayyy out of your comfort zone.
But if it’s in the realm of possibility, you might find your teen communicating more regularly because it’s on a platform where they hang out regularly.
Don’t ask closed questions
You know, the yes/no, whatever’s that we all ask every day if we’re not careful.
How are you?
How was your day?
Have any homework?
These don’t usually open the gate for a nice discussion.
So, make an effort to open up the questions a bit.
What was the ___________-est thing that happened today?
(Fill in the blank with your choice: funny, surprising, exciting…okay, excitingest is probably not a word, but you get my point.)
Don’t forget to ask your teens for their help or advice
Everybody likes to be appreciated. One of the ways to show that is to ask for and value your teen’s help, opinion, advice, or input.
Make sure that you do this when it’s actually possible to follow through.
You’re not just doing this for show or to make it appear that you care what they think about your new haircut…if you really don’t.
If there’s a chance they’ll suggest something you absolutely won’t consider, then you should probably consider a different topic.
And by you, I mean me!
I definitely need to remember this one!
One way my youngest helped me the other day was that I needed to know how to make a reel on Instagram.
Except I didn’t even know that was what I was trying to do, lol.
She walked me through it step by step.
Could Google have given me the same answer? Maybe.
Did I plant a seed of respect and appreciation that I feel for my daughter? Absolutely.
Don’t always offer a solution
Sometimes, we all just need to vent.
One of my daughters uses the term “verbal processor.” She’s often able to work out a solution herself, given the opportunity to explain the situation to someone else.
Be that someone.
When you feel the urge to offer a solution (and this is a moment when it really is optional, not something you as the parent need to share for the safety or well-being of your child)…ask first!
Ask your teen…do you want me to just listen or do you want my opinion of what I think I’d do in that situation?
And then, be willing to honor their request.
Lots of time, we have to act as parent and parent our kids. But we can look for times when kids just need someone to listen and have empathy for the situation they’re facing.
Don’t think you have to hash out everything in one sitting
Oh my goodness, this one is so me.
I hate leaving anything “hanging”…I want to get everything resolved immediately.
Sometimes, though, everybody, or even just one of you, needs to cool off, have some thinking time, possibly talk it over with someone else, and then come back to settle the issue.
My husband is so good about this. Honestly, he taught me the concept with our teenagers.
I’ve seen it over and over again that we had a better outcome by waiting a day before attempting to resolve a situation than if I’d had my way and just talked (probably yelled) it out right then!
Remember! These ideas don’t change your relationship after one try.
It often takes repeated effort to see changes and growth in your relationship.
You know the saying: Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint.
Yeah, it’s actually true.
You’ve got this!
